Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
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governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.