“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
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Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
me logging onto twitter
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.