Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
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My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D