If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
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crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
The news
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”