cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
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ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Thursday
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?