Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
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The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Help Wanted
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time