Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
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Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
I pray every night that I never become religious…
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.