Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
You Might Also Like
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
I hope it’s French Onion!
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.