When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
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What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.