Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
You Might Also Like
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”