Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
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I’d love this before and after shot…lol
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not