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I don鈥檛 always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it鈥檚 always at the exact same time as somebody else.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
For someone who doesn鈥檛 have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today鈥檚 group Skype meeting.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I鈥檓 appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
My boyfriend鈥檚 boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don鈥檛 see it happening for me just bc I鈥檓 sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
happy mother鈥檚 day鉂わ笍
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You鈥檙e supposed to yell timber.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I鈥檓 tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.