“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
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Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels