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I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.