Chicken bread
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“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!