I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
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*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom