Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
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Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”