i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
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My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’