*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
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Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real