PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
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Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.