Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
You Might Also Like
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK