Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
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[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food