Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
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assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
*limbos under the caution tape
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.