So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
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Spa day..😅
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
my first dose meeting my second
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.