My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
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Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER