Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
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Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Wake me when AI does housework
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
🍞🦆
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”