[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
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ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS