Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
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He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Order here:
More here:
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA: