Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
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My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”