(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
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I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]