Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
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We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.