trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
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My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please