nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
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[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.