Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
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*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
These are my emotional support Pringles.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to