No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
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Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Guy who likes music
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.