throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
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My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
just got my engagement photos
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.