ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
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I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering