I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
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It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.