Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
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[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
The cashier just checked me out.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.