I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
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My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.