Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
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[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Guilty! 🤪
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”