newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
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I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Roadkill is just a goth zoo