The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
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The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.