Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
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MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
[montage of me giving-up]
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.