After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
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4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
this is me
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Its a hippotatomus
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”