Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
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The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Truth
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.