Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
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[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.