Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
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girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Facebook memories be like
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*