A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
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Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet