Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
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Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Beauty and the Beast
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
How does one answer this?
Yeah. This was me today.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.